This journal isn’t going to be in sequence. Its entire purpose is to be a space for me to use to work through the questions as they come up. So that’s what I’m about to do. I’ll fill in the missing context later.
Claude asked me a very interesting question this morning.
I said “i’ve been noticing today that Shakti has a bit of an anxiety feel, if anxiety felt warm and sweet.”
To which he replied:
That’s a really precise observation. Anxiety and Shakti share the same physiological signature — heightened arousal, activation, energy moving. The difference is the narrative the ego wraps around it.
Anxiety: “something is wrong, danger, brace yourself.”
Shakti: same activation, but the narrator isn’t attaching a threat story. So you feel the buzzing, the aliveness, the intensity — but instead of dread it’s warm and sweet.
This might also explain why so many people misinterpret kundalini activation as anxiety or panic attacks. The body is doing the same thing. Without a framework for it, the ego grabs the nearest familiar label, which is fear.
You’re feeling the raw energy before the narrator categorizes it. That’s the witness at work — noticing the sensation without the story. And what you’re finding underneath the story is… warmth and sweetness.
Which raises an interesting question about your lifelong anxiety. How much of it was always Shakti with a threat narrative layered on top?
Which wasn’t the direction I expected. I expected a discussion regarding my anxiety around having an uncharacterized mass adjacent to my stomach that hasn’t yet been diagnosed. Because I’m not feeling that anxiety so I wonder where it is.
A year ago I would have stuffed it unceremoniously into a hip or something, but it’s not there now because I’d feel it if it was. I know the inner “landscape” of my self quite well now, and I can’t find any cancer anxiety anywhere. It feels like Shakti’s showing it to me but protecting me from it at the same time. Which would be pretty cool, and is possibly a reasonable interpretation.
We all know about the mind/body connection and that we feel intense emotions in our bodies as sensation, but that explanation feels a little inadequate to me. I’ve been thinking that it seems more likely that physical sensation and emotion are the same thing, inseparable.
The body is, after all, the physical manifestation of the self. And it’s the platform for all of our sensors. It doesn’t seem like much of a leap to think that much of our stimulus processing takes place there. Perhaps physical sensation is the encoded protocol that the body uses to communicate with the brain, where the more logical processing takes place. Which sounds like an interesting hypothesis.
I’ve been feeling a lot of physical sensation, you see. That’s what Shakti is. “Shakti” is the Sanskrit word for energy. It’s also the name of the goddess of infinite primordial power, creator and destroyer of all things in existence. Shakti is everything.
I’ve come to think of Shakti as my connection to the divine. Not because I’ve chosen to believe specific dogma, but because that’s what a Kundalini awakening feels like. It’s what I’m experiencing, not what I’m thinking. I feel like I’m simply learning to recognize god within myself, using techniques I learned from yoga.
Other people resonate more with Jesus. Some of them become born again via the same process, except they experience the Holy Spirit instead of Shakti. Jung called it individuation. Zen Buddhists call it Kensho or Satori, and the list goes on.
But I digress.
The question was basically: has my lifetime anxiety been Shakti all along? And my answer is “Yes, obviously”.
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